This was a hard week for me. I had a case of the "Heavy Head" as my dear friend, Aubyn, puts it.
I'm sure it started with the mind numbing sleep deprivation and was whipped into a frenzy with stress and then topped off with some self pity and frustration. Recipe for sad mommies everywhere.
Don't worry, no pysch ward or post partum in my future, just reflecting on what I felt and thinking maybe I'm not the only one in history to have experienced this.
Beckett had a particularly rough Tuesday and it lead to lots of tears for both mother and son. I had lots of work to do at home and he was quite upset with me. It all came to a head when the crying was escalated to screaming for about 45 minutes and nothing I could do would make it better. I thought about calling my mom, but there was nothing she could do. She would tell me to try everything I already had. I just helped him through it and when he finally fell asleep, I cried. He was better after that, but I kept crying.
I keep thinking about something I heard on TV. A lady said, "I never realized motherhood would be so lonely." Silly statement, but I could see what she was hinting at. There you are, overjoyed with this miracle that is your child. By day, they are the focus of attention for everyone. Your husband, your relatives, your friends, and yourself are all so fixed on every whim of this 15 lb drooling, pooping, wonderful fleshy football. By night, it's just the two of you and one of you is seriously interrupting those recommended 7-9 hours of sleep. Showering and hot meals become a luxury. I knew this, I knew this is how it would be, I am happy to do it. I am thrilled to be doing it. I am tired. I am tired and I'm afraid that if I don't say these things out loud, they will consume me.
It will happen so fast, soon he will be sleeping over at friends' houses and this will all be a distant memory. Right now, I am bobbing, head barely above water, trying to hang onto that shred of myself that I remember. I am being a bit dramatic, but some days I feel pulled under. This week had too many of those days strung together.
I have 2 girl dates this weekend that I'm super excited for and I know the whole time, I'll be missing my little man desperately.
Welcome to Armstrong Inn, part three
14 hours ago
I love you friend! I don't wish heavy head upon anyone, even if they say misery loves company.
ReplyDeleteI was laughing while talking to my mother the other day, because I was really down in the dumps over the classics: 'move from home', 'no friends', 'stay at home mom to dogs'. I thought I would be different or smarter or Something and would not feel these cliche feelings. I admit there was some guilt about being unaware.
If you are feeling this way, the best thing I have done is identify it. It seems superfluous, but just by being able to identify my feelings I felt more in control, was able to see things more clearly. There is no shame about feeling things other moms feel, or even being dramatic about it! I love you and your brain and this blog where you get to work it out and gather feedback.
Also, for what it is worth, my mom said a bath would be the only thing to calm us down, and we took as many baths a day as it took. (maybe thats why I love water!)However I am not a mommy, I don't know what you have tried and I was not there.
Oh, Jennbo, I miss you terribly.
This is good stuff. No one ever tells you this part, so then it's a smack in the face when it happens. It can't all be butterflies and rainbows like a lot of new moms make it sound. If it makes you feel better, I too have felt like a drowning woman this week. There were tears and snot and the kind of self pity that will cripple you I you don't nip it in the bud. And I can't even blame it on lack of sleep. But, as you say, this is a season, and will, someday before we know it, end. Until then, I'm happy... Nay... Thrilled... To be a part of BOTH girl dates thisnweekend. Love you!
ReplyDeleteAubyn! Ww posted simultaneously! Great minds...
ReplyDeleteExcellent minds!! What are you doing up at 6:42 on a saturday?! You crazy friend!
ReplyDeleteI love your dramatic mommy moments. They will continue on for a long time. Hang in there, Jenn.
ReplyDelete