Bet Your Bottom Dollar

I have never been an optimist.
A "world-class bitcher" were an ex-boyfriend's exact words. If you want a peppy, look on the bright side, the sun will come out tomorrow, insert the obvious non-profound statement here, I'm not your gal.
There is a comfort in sarcasm and dark humor for me. A witty quip at the expense of my problem is like a cozy fire coupled with a great glass of wine. My cynicism at less than desirable situations is far more entertaining than your "maybe God has a different plan" talk.
Of course God's plans are different than mine!
Of course I'm being selfish!
Of course these tears and the stomping of these feet aren't going to accomplish a damn thing!
Bitching about a situation doesn't accomplish anything, I don't wallow or get stuck for very long, but sometimes it's just the only thing that feels right. It's my process, don't take it personally if I'm irritated when you pull out a cliche that I know is true.
So when I go to wash my make-up off, but my tears have already done that job too well; I can run the water anyway and wash this shit-hole of a day down the drain because guess what?? Tomorrow is a new effin' day.

Comforting Constants

• As the cold weather bears down and I begin inching the lever on the thermostat a little higher, my husband doesn't say a word
• Seat heaters!
• How much better a pumpkin spice latte tastes while wearing a scarf
• The Adele cd that has made a permanent home as cd #1 in the changer in my car
• The giggles that ensue when we pull Beckett's socks off for bath time
• Being able to spend most of my week at home with said "giggler"
• Dinners every Wednesday night with my parents and sister's family, I treasure it
• The enthusiasm of a 1 year old when you pick him up first thing in the morning
• A conversation with a far away friend that feels like we just ran into eachother at the grocery store
• Target is always comforting on some level
• The grace extended to me when I'm not being a very nice wife

Sorry it's been so long. We are doing great, getting ready for the Holidays and very excited about it. My sister is having another baby in June and Chris is doing well with his new job.
Our monkey is cracking us up every day with his cheesy smile and endless energy. He is saying quite a few words and copying even more. I call it the "monkey see, monkey do" stage, so we are now on our best behavior... We find ourselves hunkering down with all the new tv shows this fall and not enough time to fit them all in. Oh well, finding the balance in this madness is a life long dance.

Mr. Schneider takes a crack at blogging

Just wanted to share this blog that my wonderful husband reads frequently and was published in this week!
If you click here, you can read his letter. Love you honey, Happy Father's Day! 

Alive and Camping

What better way to reintroduce myself to blogging than to show you how Beckett's first camping trip went!

There was no make-up, no cell coverage, no air conditioning, and only the heat from our fire at night. We tent camped with an 8 month old! I'm not going to lie, I was crazy nervous. To the point, I was ok with packing him up and getting a motel room in West Yellowstone if things didn't go smoothly. I had no expectations, I just thought we'd take it as it comes and see what happens.

And go figure... our little guy loves camping! He loved being outdoors and watching the trees sway in the breeze. He loved just sitting on the blanket in his bug tent in the shade and playing with toys and screaming as loud as he could just to hear his own voice.

There was a mama moose and her 4 week old calf (according to the campground host, I'm not that "in tune" with nature) near our campground that we got a couple pictures of with Chris' telephoto lens... don't want to get too close to a mama moose.

This mama got to enjoy a couple glasses of vino near a fire, roast some mallows, and just relax. The bed wasn't comfortable, my face was freezing at night, the mosquitoes were horrendous, and it was fabulous!

Beckett's newest thing is waving, we haven't captured it in a photo yet, but he opens and closes his hand in salutation and it melts my heart. Just to know that my little man is beginning to understand and communicate with us is incredible. He is on the verge of crawling and I'm soaking up every "you'll be right where I left you" moment. Hope this makes up for my absence and I hope to treat you to more stories and more photos soon!

Get Me Some Arm Floaties!

This was a hard week for me. I had a case of the "Heavy Head" as my dear friend, Aubyn, puts it.

I'm sure it started with the mind numbing sleep deprivation and was whipped into a frenzy with stress and then topped off with some self pity and frustration. Recipe for sad mommies everywhere.

Don't worry, no pysch ward or post partum in my future, just reflecting on what I felt and thinking maybe I'm not the only one in history to have experienced this.

Beckett had a particularly rough Tuesday and it lead to lots of tears for both mother and son. I had lots of work to do at home and he was quite upset with me. It all came to a head when the crying was escalated to screaming for about 45 minutes and nothing I could do would make it better. I thought about calling my mom, but there was nothing she could do. She would tell me to try everything I already had. I just helped him through it and when he finally fell asleep, I cried. He was better after that, but I kept crying.

I keep thinking about something I heard on TV. A lady said, "I never realized motherhood would be so lonely." Silly statement, but I could see what she was hinting at. There you are, overjoyed with this miracle that is your child. By day, they are the focus of attention for everyone. Your husband, your relatives, your friends, and yourself are all so fixed on every whim of this 15 lb drooling, pooping, wonderful fleshy football. By night, it's just the two of you and one of you is seriously interrupting those recommended 7-9 hours of sleep. Showering and hot meals become a luxury. I knew this, I knew this is how it would be, I am happy to do it. I am thrilled to be doing it. I am tired. I am tired and I'm afraid that if I don't say these things out loud, they will consume me.

It will happen so fast, soon he will be sleeping over at friends' houses and this will all be a distant memory. Right now, I am bobbing, head barely above water, trying to hang onto that shred of myself that I remember. I am being a bit dramatic, but some days I feel pulled under. This week had too many of those days strung together.

I have 2 girl dates this weekend that I'm super excited for and I know the whole time, I'll be missing my little man desperately.

Waterworks

Being a mom is a sentimental tsunami.
I can't believe how often I catch myself crying. I don't want to put Beckett in the next size up clothes because it means he's growing, I don't want to buy the next size up diaper because there's still 1 whole pound between him and the size limit the box says he should be before they won't fit anymore.
I think back to those intimate hours when I was the only one who knew he even existed. I carried his secret for almost 12 hours and the pride swelled into tears more times than I can count.
He's sleeping across my lap as I type this and I can't bear to think that in a matter of months, he won't fit in my arms like this anymore.
Some of you may know that I'm a bit of a crier... I've been known to shed tears over silly things, like leaving a pillow behind at a motel, or even just a bit too many tissues get used during sappy movies. But this is something different. This boy, my son, is the apple of my eye. I have never been so tired in my life, I have never been so disorganized, out of sorts, can't keep myself in clean clothes, but nothing else matters when he smiles.
Life is good, Beckett is great, being a mom is amazing.

Mars and Venus

I stumbled across a hilarious observation since having a child and just had to share...

Beckett and I went to a regional meeting for the Montana Bowhunter's Association. We were the last ones to show up in a room of about 10 men. I walk around the room with the baby carrier in hand. Set him on the table, trying to keep him asleep. He promptly wakes up and gets fussy. Nobody in the room says boo about the baby, or me, or anything. They continue their conversation as if we aren't even there. We went into an adjacent room and he worked out his fussiness and I missed the entire meeting.
As the meeting came to a close, I heard one of the guys go outside and come back in. Everyone stood up and walked toward the object he brought in. I made my way around the crowd huddled around the object. I peeked through with my now sleeping baby over my shoulder and saw what all the fuss was about. A gigantic elk antler rack sat on the floor with a proud owner stabilizing it and smiling from ear to ear. The men asked questions so eagerly and listened so attentively to the answers. They discussed the length of time it took to haul the animal out of the woods, the length of the G2, the darkness of the bone, and the possibly ancestry to elk from Yellowstone Park.
As the men oogled the bones, I packed up my snuggly little newborn in his carrier and practically slipped out the door unnoticed. What a strange experience for a new mom.

More recently, my Mom and I were standing in her kitchen when Dad came in and told us that he had talked to Casey earlier in the day and Casey's brother and sister-in-law had their baby. Mom and I excitedly asked when, how, how big, you know, the usual questions. My Dad looked at us and said, "Uh, Kevin....something." and walked out of the kitchen. Mom and I looked at each other so dissatisfied. Mom then observed, "If she had shot an elk, we would know a whole lot more!" I laughed at this observation recalling my similar story and said, "Exactly! We would know where they were on the mountain, how many times it was shot, which way it ran, which call he used, how many times he threw up while gutting it..."
The differences hadn't seemed quite so evident to me before, but we really do see the world through a different lens!